Breakup no makeup

I'm really taking this breakup kind of hard and it's only been 4 months.... I'm really surprised.... Maybe because he met my kids.. I don't bring men around my kids I don't play that shit I try to be extra cautious. I haven't been in a relationship in years and I really should have just kept it that way. I don't do that breakup to make up shit. If there is an issue we talk or argue it out but the first thing you don't do is just turn your back, leave, or ignore the situation. Maybe chief is to soft spoken for me. Maybe I'm to much for him. I will say he is an Aries like Scorp. And I feel like I feel when I was with Scorp. The same kind of frustratuon, anger, sadness, all of that. I'm not an angry person like that. I don't beef like that. I don't like that. But it seems they bring out that side of me. And I don't know like it. I don't like to seem like a bitch. But with chief all I complained about was his time and me not gettin g enough of it. as a man he should have ate that because he's the one in the wrong and if he didn't feel like he was in the wrong he should have said something. We are pushing 30... This shit with these men is getting rediculous. I'm truly ready to just give up.

Today was a good day, I just had to write that down. I really needed today. We had a cookout for my mom and my little brothers birthday. There wasn't a lot of people but we laughed and joked and danced. I've been so stressed with Chief breaking up with me and the baby getting admitted to the hospital all in the same day, I was an emotional mess. And being in the wrong he still doesn't or hasn't reached out. I guess my gut feeling was right, he's not that into me. It was to easy for him to tell me he was done. After I was complaining about how he doesn't communicate with me. He doesn't call, barely texts... Anything I was starting to feel like a jump off or a stalker. And I shouldn't feel like that in a relationship. My feelings are hurt but life goes on right? Although I know it's over, there's still that hope that maybe he's just going through something and I can have back the chief I fell for. That he would run after me and beg to let him back in my life. I know it sounds like some movie shit, but you know what? I want some movie shit love. Real shit not the forced not truly happy love. I want the love that the 90's R&b singers sing about, I want that love like the notebook. And I know it's possible. It's just so hard to meet a man now a days..... 

Madness

Ugh the last couple days have been pretty crazy.  Besides the fact that chief told me yesterday he didn't want to be with me, I'm in the hospital with the baby. He was having trouble breathing last night. It was pretty scary, when we got here bike oxygen was like between 68-73. When it's supposed to be 95-100. So they admitted him and he's doing much better. I really wish chief wasn't being such a dick right now man. This shit with chief is getting old. I'm tired of having to beg for someone to give me their attention. I feel like I'm a secret, and that he's just not into me. I think what needs to happen is I shouldn't make myself so available. I'm gonna give him what he gives me. I have so much going on in life right now I need someone who is gonna be my escape not add to my headaches. I can handle myself and my issues, I just want someone to love me.... Seems like it's asking to much now a days from these men out here. They don't care if you cook, clean, work,go to school, take care of your kids. No they still want the but he's that have the little waists, big asses, no job, don't take care of their kids, lazy, and depends on a man. But then men wanna complain when they get with that girl and she don't wanna lift a finger. Whatever, whether it works with me and chief, I just need to keep in mind that if someone really wanted me and needed me in their life, their actions should prove it. Even when they don't talk about it.  I have this tattoo on my back that says love conquers all.... And I was starting to doubt the saying but then I thought yea love conquers all when both people are actually in love. Hmm....

Lauryn Hill said it best, "it could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard. Loving you is like a battle, and we both end up with scars."

I swear that's how I've been feeling with this whole Chief situation. We are in a relationship but I don't feel like it. I don't know, maybe it's the whe long distance thing so maybe it just takes time. Or maybe I haven't been in a relationship for so long that I'm clingy and expect relationship shit, and I shouldn't. I feel like I'm always mad at him, and I'm always scared he's just gonna walk away. I'm really feeling him, it's been four months now. I feel I Ike my feelings for him are growing and progressing a lot faster than his. But it may be because I'm such an emotional person and because im a female. I'm just going to be patient. It's not like I think he's cheating or so thing. I just feel like there could be more communication. He was just here this past weekend and man did I need that. I'm so glad my mom kept the kids the first night he came, because it was definitely on! I haven't seen him in like 2 months! Definitely got wild in here. Him and Bub get skinny so well. Bub really likes him. He met my mom and this weekend we are having a cookout for Muhammad's birthday and Chief is going to come so he can meet muhanmad. Things are progressing I can say that. I just need to be patient and progress at the rate it's supposed to. I just hope this is it. I'm so tired of finding the wrong men and getting messed over. I hate starting over especially when there is kids involved. Now that my kids are involved with chief I want to try and make this work. Let's just hope this isn't s relationship I have to force because I will not do that anymore. If I'm unhappy I'm leaving. I will not be miserable with a man ever again. So right now, the chemistry with chief and I is definitely there. There is nothing forced about it. You would think we were a couple who have been together for years. Thats how comfortable we are with each other. We are ourselves. I love it! ❤️

I'm back.... Again

So I am back.... Again.... For real this time. I have been a ball of emotions lately, and sometimes I don't want to tell people everything. So I've come to the conclusion, I need to start writing again. I have this blog and it never gets used! I'm going out next week to buy a journal as well. I've been having so many ups and downs, writing it all down on paper, or in this case the computer, will help ease my mind. That way I'm not lashing out on public forums such as Facebook, then deleting statuses because I know I shouldn't have my business up there like that. Soooo it is now August of 2015, and so much has changed since the last time I was on here. I now have a baby, of my own, that will be 8 months on the 19th! It's so crazy. Never in a million years would I have thought I would have a baby and starting all over. I'm a little upset with myself for being careless and getting pregnant, but the joy my son has brought to my life, I could care less. He has fought so hard to be here. He's my little trooper. And he's such a happy baby! He makes it that much easier. 

I just talked to Chanelle the other day and she said that Khalil's grandfather has been talking to Jae again and visiting with them. I haven't heard from he grandfather in a while. Spoke to him about 2 weeks ago. I try not to bother him. I just send pictures, if he wants to continue to be apart of Khalil's life, I would never get in between that. It's bad enough Jae wants nothing to do with baby. He's such a coward. I still can't believe he's acting ge way he is. He may have not wanted me to have the baby, I wasn't ready for a baby either. I'm already a single mom, and a full time student. While he turns his back, I'm taking care of OUR responsibility. He am truly makes me sick to my stomach. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so nice, it takes everything in me someone's not to go over there and spit on him. I know it sounds harsh, but my baby has been through a lot, and still goes to doc appts, has choking episodes, etc. But it's nothing I can't handle. I think what pisses me off the most about Jae is the fact that when I found out I was pregnant, we never had any conversation, we were supposed to get together and talk and it never happened. He was supposed to call and talk and it never happened. The night I got pregnant I kept tellin Jae I didn't want to fuck with him anymore. I told him that that was our last time. But according to him it wasn't. And now I'm the blame for me getting pregnant? So now he goes around lying instead of being a man and saying "hey the pussy was way to good to pull out of" and accept responsibility. The fact that he is trying to say I lied about being on birth control drives me nuts. He knows that's a lie, and now he's making the situation worse than it has to be. 

I put him on child support, I really battled with myself about that. But with the baby in the NICU I didn't know what was going to happen and how he was going to be, I knew I was going to need some help. And I'm glad I went because Khalil cannot go to say care yet, and I have no one to watch him. Everyone is scared to watch him. So he is 100% responsible and still hasn't made one payment for child support. Bum. All he does is brag about being a father and buying shit, but has a son that he doesn't even acknowledge. He's such a coward.  But he will get him karma.  I've been a single mom for 10 years, don't need a nigga to take care of me or my kids. We are good and will always be good.  Ugh! I had to let that out. The crazy part is, I dont worry about Jae until someone brings something to my attention. Like why are ou posting fb statuses about me. And I don't bother him at all?! He's delusional. That's why I won't even mess with him because I don't know what lengths he would go to to keep a lie going. So I just chill and whatever happens happens....had to get that out of my system really quick. I'll be back later ❤️

Tell me no lies

All over the place......

Wellllll....... I know last time I wrote, I talked about a guy that I've know for a long time. We were going to give it a try with the whole relationship thing...... Well I guess that's not going to work. Sometimes I tend to live in a Lala land when it comes to the idea of love. I don't think clearly and logically when it comes to the opposite sex. I tend to trust everyone, but I have to realize everyone is not like me. Especially when it comes to being in a relationship. I had a nice little talk with my YOUNGER brother lol we talked about how I continue to deal with the same kind of people, and how I keep getting the same thing I've always gotten. I push really nice people to the side because they are not like the guys I'm used to. He told me it was time to do something different. I'm in such a great place in my life right now, compared to how crazy my life has been the last year, and I don't need to go back. I've been in a verbally abusive relationship, I've been cheated on repeatedly, and I always blame it on everyone else but it's me to. I have to take responsibility for allowing people to treat me that way. Ever since I broke up with my ex,  I've been constantly trying to work on myself, myself esteem, self image, everything. I was broken, and I hate to even admit that but I was. I had hit rock bottom. But luckily my family was very supportive and luckily I know that I need to be in a good place mentally for my son. He is the reason I get through everything. So now that I'm at a poit where I'm happy with myself, I feel like I'm able to share that with someone. I'm glad I took the time to be single, because I was able to find myself again. So now I'm going to be more open. And I will not set myself up like I have been doin since I was 14 years old! I know what I need and deserve and I will not accept anything less than that. I know it sounds cliche but it's true  and I mean it.  I know it seems like I'm all over the place with my emotions.... And I kind of am but as long as I dont let it get to a point where it puts me in a predicament like I was in before, I think I'll be ok. I can't help my mind goes a mile a minute.

Love it

There was this guy......

Ok, so there was this guy when I was in high school, I was in 9th grade and he was older by a couple years. He's tall, dark, and very handsome. Not only was he handsome, he made me laugh and the best part was that we were friends. We started talking, and hanging out all the time. I was really feeling him big time, well one day my mom found out how old he was and told his uncle that she did not want me over there anymore. So his uncle told me I wasn't allowed over anymore. So we stopped dealing with each other like that, but remained friends. Now I am no longer 14, I'm 26 years old, and we still talk and communicate. He doesn't live in my city anymore but we always make sure to have each other's number. When I know he is going through something I try to make sure I check up on him and when I'm going through things he does the same. I consider him to be a good friend, but everytime I'm around him I can't help to get all goofy like. I'm always cheesing, and my stomach does these little jumps. I just got to see him this past weekend after 7 years! And It was like we never missed a beat. I wasn't sure if it would be awkward, or if the feeling would of faded but it didn't. Now that we have both grown, and been in other relationships, I'm thinking maybe it's time we try it out as a couple. I know I may be risking it, but I think it's worth the risk. I think we are both mature enough that if a relationship didn't work out that we could still be friends. And besides I'm a libra and he's a Gemini, so we are like the perfect match :-) I kid I kid, but really I think it's worth pursuing. I have given these guys that have done me dirty chance after chance, questioning their love for me, shit I even questioned if they even liked me. But him we have been friends for years and we click, so now let's see if we click as more than just friends. I'll be sure to keep you updated! 💙

Long distance love

Sometimes I think long distance relationships work out better because it forces communication, which is usually the number one reason most relationships do not work (lack of communication) a foundation is built off of more than physical attraction. A friendship is built, a deeper bond is created, and there is a better appreciation of ones time ❤

Could it be

I'm starting to think maybe it's me.......not me as in me, but me as in always going after or doing the same thing..... I keep doing what I've always done and I continue to keep getting what I've always gotten... This can't be life, and I can't continue like this. Something has got to change starting today, time to step out of my comfort zone. And it's also time for me to stop looking. The right one will come.... When the time is right. Good night....  Peace and 💜

Thought for today!

Happy

Today was overall a good day for me, I missed class, lol umm, took my older brother to the doctor to hear he is progressing at a wonderful pace. My son had off from school due to the snow, I got to lounge around all day and do nothing! Me, my son, and an old friend went out on a lunch/dinner date. I love catching up with people I've been friends with for a long time. We are all growing older each day, have children and families, jobs, so we can't hang out all the time like we used to. So we usually catch up over food, what better than a good meal and good conversation. It felt good to talk to her though, had something's I needed to vent about, and she listened, and that's all I wanted. I ended my night watching a movie with my younger bigger brother. Today was a lazy day, but it was a good day. Finally no stress, drama, or chaos. Hopefully I didn't speak to soon :-) I'm going to bed because I'm in a great mood, and I want to go to bed this way. So no writing about anything in the past today, I'm just living in the moment for now. Good night, sweet dreams..... I love you!

Thought of the night!

I'm back!

It has been so long since I have posted anything, so many things have happened in my life since 2012 is crazy! But since I will be posting more often, I will have time to tell you all about what goes on in this crazy life of mine. I am now 26 (obviously) a little bit wiser, maybe still a bit naive when it comes to certain things, but I have learned so much! It is now 11:30 at night, so I won't post anything long and crazy, I just wanted to say I'm back. I will be blogging weekly (hopefully I keep up this time) and getting things off my chest. A couple things I would like to address since the last time I wrote anything, number one, me and my mothers relationship has gotten a lot better. Maybe because I finally took my fathers advice. I've learned how to deal with people (her) and I'm really not so sensitive anymore. It's kind of like I have it is what it is attitude. When it's good it's good, and when it's not I stay away. I talk to her daily, she has gotten to witness a bit of what I went through with relationships etc.... So I think that may have helped a bit as well. Or maybe it's just the simple fact that I am getting older and the phase is over. You know, that weird mother daughter rival phase. Well I'm hoping things just continue to go up from here. Next thing I want to address is the fact that I'm still single! Well sort of.... Ok well technically I'm not, but I feel like I am. In my mind. Ugh! If only things could be simple... But then that wouldn't be my life. I will definitely get into what's been going on in my "love" life before the week is out. But this past year has been a big eye opener for me, I've lost friends who, I've learned I can't trust anyone, Gotten closer with my family, and have become more focused on being successful than I have ever been. I have gone through so much, but learned a lot, and the is the reason why I still smile. It could be so much worse. Well I'm going to bed goodnight world...... I love you 

Loyalty in friendship

Well it's been a couple Of days since I have posted anything. In these last few days I have had people come I me asking for advice on what thy should do about certain "friends" they have. It seems as though the talk I had with my father the other day has helped me give advice on what others can. With their relationships with their friends. As far as accepting relationships for what they really are, and not expecting to much from people So that you are not disappointed. I have a friend who just found out one of his best friends has slept with his sons mother, and got her pregnant. And hid this from him for about a year now. My friend is hurt and feels betrayed. It's hard because I can only imagine the frustration he feels, and I want to say beat him up, but in reality I know thy will never take away the hurt and betrayal he feels.
It's situations like that, that make me question loyalty in friendship. When do people not take a step back and see that they have crossed the line. Or people just not care? I feel like these kinds of things should only happen in movies, but unfortunately they don't. It's said because we walk around and call people our best friends, or even say we think of people as our family, and I know personally when I say those things I mean it. So to know that there are people that walk around saying it for fun, especially as adults, is sickening. People go crazy over things like this. My friend has no family, so his friends are like his family, and now the closest people to him have betrayed him. It just makes me question loyalty in friendship, and can we really trust everyone or jut our blood..... Or no one at all?
The contrived tree rends a healthy workload!

Acceptance

All of my life I have been the kind of person to fight to save broken relationships I've had with people. I go out of my way and go above and beyond for people to understand me. I don't like people to hate me or dislike me, I don't know if it's the libra in me or what. But this is something I have struggle with for a very long time, making myself exhausted and crazy because I want to make everything good, but in the back of my mind I know that isn't reality. Everything cant be "good" all the time, and sometimes it's not good at all. Some relationships just aren't worth saving or aren't meant to be saved.
For years I have had a not so good relationship with my mother. Every girl needs their mother, but for some reason since I was about 12 that was a relationship that went down the drain. My parents split around that time and my older brother was away in college. So it used to be just me and the little brother home. When she was working, she would work all day then come home and leave for the rest of the night. She would come in at night or more like morning, an sometimes I would have to take care of her but sometimes I got lucky and didn't have to. Some nights I had to listen to how I was a b*tch and I wasnt liked, but I always just took the verbal abuse and ignored it. I just felt like maybe one day it would stop, but of course it didn't. Then it became personal jabs even when sober, and just different treatment period. Now I am an adult, thinking that maybe that I'm older a way we can mend the relationship is by being friends, but that didn't work either. Now I just try to sit back and figure out hat happened, if it was me that did something, do I remind her of some one she hates? I'm just constantly trying to think of reasons why we don't have a mother daughter relationship like we should. We don't hug, kiss, or tell each other we love you.
I walk around as if I'm not bothered by it, but it hurts me Alot. To a point where a couple days ago I finally broke down in tears in front of my father. An he gave me great advice, not only I can use when dealing with my mom but with anyone. He said that I need to lean to accept the relationships I have with people. Whether they are goo or bad, once I learn to accept these relationships I will be able to be at peace. I get so upset because I keep trying to fix something that I know in the back of my mind won't change. Once I accept it, I'll know how to handle it, and I won't beat myself up. Be grateful for the time I was able to have with her when I was younger, because some people don't get that. If the relationship mends its self then good, but don't go around with expectations because it's a set up for disappointment. So now I am working on accepting the relationships I have with people, including my mom and my ex boyfriend(which is someone I don't want to talk about now) accepting these relationships may possibly help me a great deal.

Good night
I Love You (I figured I should start telling myself that since I don't hear it often)

No luck in love

It bugs me when guys take advantage of a good girl. Like I had said before I am far from perfect, and ill be the first to tell you that. But one thing I will say, is if I love you, I'm going to give you 110%. And as much as I say I don't expect anything, I really do. Most females do. We expect the unexpected. Kind of like, I don't expect you to bring me flowers....but I want flowers. I want someone to think outside the box, be romantic and surprise me. But it isn't something I base my relationship on. Just love me, and love me in a way I know you love me. I shouldn't have to question it.
I have been in 3 "relationships" in my life, and honestly I don't know if I would even really call them relationships. It was basically three times of me thinking I was in love and going above And beyond to prove myself. But in all reality what was I really proving? That I was someone that was easy to take advantage of, and that's exactly what happened.
The first person I was with was to young to know about commitment, and that's the person I had my child with. The second person I was with showed me a lot of different things, and also showed how sheltered and naive I was. And the third person was very different from the other two. It's to late to go into detail about each of those relationships (which I will get into another time) but I can say for each person I dealt with a lot, and I was a great girl, but one feeling I can relate with all three was alone.
Sometimes I think I will be single forever, and sometime I think all guys are alike. But when my mind is clear, I know that isn't true. I know I will eventually find someone, but I need to love myself first before someone else can love me, and maybe explore other places outside of my town. Not just for love, I'm not desperate, but just for myself. So that I'm able to focus on my life, and not the life of someone else. I can't make someone see the good in me, and I can't make someone love me it just has to happen. So I will wait.... And finally I'm ok with that :) so until tomorrow..... Sweet dreams!

About time!

It's crazy, I am 24 years old and I love to write. I don't like to make up stories, but I just like writing about my life. When I was a little girl I thought my life was so horribl,typical thoughts of a kid, so instead of sitting around all day or playing outside I used to sit in my room and write in my diary and listen to music. It was an escape for me. I never really had to many friends outside o school and I really couldn't talk on the phone or receive phone calls like that, so my blights and feelings all went into a journal. That's probably why I don't confide in to many people now as an adult. I have all of these emotions raging inside of me and I want to run and tell someone, sometimes everyone, but I keep it inside. At work today I had a conversation with some people at work,I do hospice care, and they sai to me that they had no idea how I could come into work so happy everyday. The only thing I said was if you knew everything I felt inside you would think I was crazy. Then went on to say how I should talk to someone or see a therapist, but the most important thing was to get the emotions out. Well that was when I came up with the brilliant idea of writing a blog. This way I am able to release any emotion I am feeling, with out feeling I'm bothering anyone(which is one of the reasons I dont confide in anyone), and if people decide to read it that's great, give feedback even better! But if someone doesn't want to hear or see it that's ok. I'm excited to start writing again, it may take me some time to get back in the groove of consistantly writing.... But the way I have been feeling lately I highly doubt that. In my short 24 years here on this earth, I have been through some things, and it seems some of them I can't let go of. Maybe sharing my life with others will help me out. I'm not an angel, but I'm not a bad girl either. I'm just someone who has a hard time accepting some things in life. I'm a single mother, hard worker, and someone who's jut ready for a family. They say I have an old soul, and I think thy are right. Well this is the start to a new beginning. Stay tuned in for more posts from me. Feel free to ask any questions or give advice. Well I'll be back later!!!!