Breakup no makeup

I'm really taking this breakup kind of hard and it's only been 4 months.... I'm really surprised.... Maybe because he met my kids.. I don't bring men around my kids I don't play that shit I try to be extra cautious. I haven't been in a relationship in years and I really should have just kept it that way. I don't do that breakup to make up shit. If there is an issue we talk or argue it out but the first thing you don't do is just turn your back, leave, or ignore the situation. Maybe chief is to soft spoken for me. Maybe I'm to much for him. I will say he is an Aries like Scorp. And I feel like I feel when I was with Scorp. The same kind of frustratuon, anger, sadness, all of that. I'm not an angry person like that. I don't beef like that. I don't like that. But it seems they bring out that side of me. And I don't know like it. I don't like to seem like a bitch. But with chief all I complained about was his time and me not gettin g enough of it. as a man he should have ate that because he's the one in the wrong and if he didn't feel like he was in the wrong he should have said something. We are pushing 30... This shit with these men is getting rediculous. I'm truly ready to just give up.

Today was a good day, I just had to write that down. I really needed today. We had a cookout for my mom and my little brothers birthday. There wasn't a lot of people but we laughed and joked and danced. I've been so stressed with Chief breaking up with me and the baby getting admitted to the hospital all in the same day, I was an emotional mess. And being in the wrong he still doesn't or hasn't reached out. I guess my gut feeling was right, he's not that into me. It was to easy for him to tell me he was done. After I was complaining about how he doesn't communicate with me. He doesn't call, barely texts... Anything I was starting to feel like a jump off or a stalker. And I shouldn't feel like that in a relationship. My feelings are hurt but life goes on right? Although I know it's over, there's still that hope that maybe he's just going through something and I can have back the chief I fell for. That he would run after me and beg to let him back in my life. I know it sounds like some movie shit, but you know what? I want some movie shit love. Real shit not the forced not truly happy love. I want the love that the 90's R&b singers sing about, I want that love like the notebook. And I know it's possible. It's just so hard to meet a man now a days..... 

Madness

Ugh the last couple days have been pretty crazy.  Besides the fact that chief told me yesterday he didn't want to be with me, I'm in the hospital with the baby. He was having trouble breathing last night. It was pretty scary, when we got here bike oxygen was like between 68-73. When it's supposed to be 95-100. So they admitted him and he's doing much better. I really wish chief wasn't being such a dick right now man. This shit with chief is getting old. I'm tired of having to beg for someone to give me their attention. I feel like I'm a secret, and that he's just not into me. I think what needs to happen is I shouldn't make myself so available. I'm gonna give him what he gives me. I have so much going on in life right now I need someone who is gonna be my escape not add to my headaches. I can handle myself and my issues, I just want someone to love me.... Seems like it's asking to much now a days from these men out here. They don't care if you cook, clean, work,go to school, take care of your kids. No they still want the but he's that have the little waists, big asses, no job, don't take care of their kids, lazy, and depends on a man. But then men wanna complain when they get with that girl and she don't wanna lift a finger. Whatever, whether it works with me and chief, I just need to keep in mind that if someone really wanted me and needed me in their life, their actions should prove it. Even when they don't talk about it.  I have this tattoo on my back that says love conquers all.... And I was starting to doubt the saying but then I thought yea love conquers all when both people are actually in love. Hmm....

Lauryn Hill said it best, "it could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard. Loving you is like a battle, and we both end up with scars."

I swear that's how I've been feeling with this whole Chief situation. We are in a relationship but I don't feel like it. I don't know, maybe it's the whe long distance thing so maybe it just takes time. Or maybe I haven't been in a relationship for so long that I'm clingy and expect relationship shit, and I shouldn't. I feel like I'm always mad at him, and I'm always scared he's just gonna walk away. I'm really feeling him, it's been four months now. I feel I Ike my feelings for him are growing and progressing a lot faster than his. But it may be because I'm such an emotional person and because im a female. I'm just going to be patient. It's not like I think he's cheating or so thing. I just feel like there could be more communication. He was just here this past weekend and man did I need that. I'm so glad my mom kept the kids the first night he came, because it was definitely on! I haven't seen him in like 2 months! Definitely got wild in here. Him and Bub get skinny so well. Bub really likes him. He met my mom and this weekend we are having a cookout for Muhammad's birthday and Chief is going to come so he can meet muhanmad. Things are progressing I can say that. I just need to be patient and progress at the rate it's supposed to. I just hope this is it. I'm so tired of finding the wrong men and getting messed over. I hate starting over especially when there is kids involved. Now that my kids are involved with chief I want to try and make this work. Let's just hope this isn't s relationship I have to force because I will not do that anymore. If I'm unhappy I'm leaving. I will not be miserable with a man ever again. So right now, the chemistry with chief and I is definitely there. There is nothing forced about it. You would think we were a couple who have been together for years. Thats how comfortable we are with each other. We are ourselves. I love it! ❤️

I'm back.... Again

So I am back.... Again.... For real this time. I have been a ball of emotions lately, and sometimes I don't want to tell people everything. So I've come to the conclusion, I need to start writing again. I have this blog and it never gets used! I'm going out next week to buy a journal as well. I've been having so many ups and downs, writing it all down on paper, or in this case the computer, will help ease my mind. That way I'm not lashing out on public forums such as Facebook, then deleting statuses because I know I shouldn't have my business up there like that. Soooo it is now August of 2015, and so much has changed since the last time I was on here. I now have a baby, of my own, that will be 8 months on the 19th! It's so crazy. Never in a million years would I have thought I would have a baby and starting all over. I'm a little upset with myself for being careless and getting pregnant, but the joy my son has brought to my life, I could care less. He has fought so hard to be here. He's my little trooper. And he's such a happy baby! He makes it that much easier. 

I just talked to Chanelle the other day and she said that Khalil's grandfather has been talking to Jae again and visiting with them. I haven't heard from he grandfather in a while. Spoke to him about 2 weeks ago. I try not to bother him. I just send pictures, if he wants to continue to be apart of Khalil's life, I would never get in between that. It's bad enough Jae wants nothing to do with baby. He's such a coward. I still can't believe he's acting ge way he is. He may have not wanted me to have the baby, I wasn't ready for a baby either. I'm already a single mom, and a full time student. While he turns his back, I'm taking care of OUR responsibility. He am truly makes me sick to my stomach. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so nice, it takes everything in me someone's not to go over there and spit on him. I know it sounds harsh, but my baby has been through a lot, and still goes to doc appts, has choking episodes, etc. But it's nothing I can't handle. I think what pisses me off the most about Jae is the fact that when I found out I was pregnant, we never had any conversation, we were supposed to get together and talk and it never happened. He was supposed to call and talk and it never happened. The night I got pregnant I kept tellin Jae I didn't want to fuck with him anymore. I told him that that was our last time. But according to him it wasn't. And now I'm the blame for me getting pregnant? So now he goes around lying instead of being a man and saying "hey the pussy was way to good to pull out of" and accept responsibility. The fact that he is trying to say I lied about being on birth control drives me nuts. He knows that's a lie, and now he's making the situation worse than it has to be. 

I put him on child support, I really battled with myself about that. But with the baby in the NICU I didn't know what was going to happen and how he was going to be, I knew I was going to need some help. And I'm glad I went because Khalil cannot go to say care yet, and I have no one to watch him. Everyone is scared to watch him. So he is 100% responsible and still hasn't made one payment for child support. Bum. All he does is brag about being a father and buying shit, but has a son that he doesn't even acknowledge. He's such a coward.  But he will get him karma.  I've been a single mom for 10 years, don't need a nigga to take care of me or my kids. We are good and will always be good.  Ugh! I had to let that out. The crazy part is, I dont worry about Jae until someone brings something to my attention. Like why are ou posting fb statuses about me. And I don't bother him at all?! He's delusional. That's why I won't even mess with him because I don't know what lengths he would go to to keep a lie going. So I just chill and whatever happens happens....had to get that out of my system really quick. I'll be back later ❤️

Tell me no lies

All over the place......

Wellllll....... I know last time I wrote, I talked about a guy that I've know for a long time. We were going to give it a try with the whole relationship thing...... Well I guess that's not going to work. Sometimes I tend to live in a Lala land when it comes to the idea of love. I don't think clearly and logically when it comes to the opposite sex. I tend to trust everyone, but I have to realize everyone is not like me. Especially when it comes to being in a relationship. I had a nice little talk with my YOUNGER brother lol we talked about how I continue to deal with the same kind of people, and how I keep getting the same thing I've always gotten. I push really nice people to the side because they are not like the guys I'm used to. He told me it was time to do something different. I'm in such a great place in my life right now, compared to how crazy my life has been the last year, and I don't need to go back. I've been in a verbally abusive relationship, I've been cheated on repeatedly, and I always blame it on everyone else but it's me to. I have to take responsibility for allowing people to treat me that way. Ever since I broke up with my ex,  I've been constantly trying to work on myself, myself esteem, self image, everything. I was broken, and I hate to even admit that but I was. I had hit rock bottom. But luckily my family was very supportive and luckily I know that I need to be in a good place mentally for my son. He is the reason I get through everything. So now that I'm at a poit where I'm happy with myself, I feel like I'm able to share that with someone. I'm glad I took the time to be single, because I was able to find myself again. So now I'm going to be more open. And I will not set myself up like I have been doin since I was 14 years old! I know what I need and deserve and I will not accept anything less than that. I know it sounds cliche but it's true  and I mean it.  I know it seems like I'm all over the place with my emotions.... And I kind of am but as long as I dont let it get to a point where it puts me in a predicament like I was in before, I think I'll be ok. I can't help my mind goes a mile a minute.